Rik Abel

inline skates are not rabbits

I do wish that small dogs would understand this. Specifically the West Highland Terrier which went for me this evening as I was gliding gracefully down the pavement on Clapham Park Road. It all got much less graceful pretty quickly. Barky went mental and lunged at my skates (white and yellow Salomon TR9s, dear reader), thinking them some sort of mutant wheeled rabbits, I surmise (who can fathom the mind of a terrier?) So, evasive manouvers were necessary...I sashayed to the right, quite elegantly I might add, but then, oh dear, I lost it quite spectacularly and barreled headlong into some inconveniently placed crash barriers (they were replacing paving slabs or something), going arse over teakettle and skidding quite impressively along, all the while abrading skin from my poor arms. I must have looked a twit.

I did, however, get some appreciative honks from passing motorists and felt obliged to raise my fist in a salute to my own humiliation. Actually, I never feel particularly humiliated when I fall - it usually cracks me up, just as soon as I get my breath back. And if it gives passers-by a nice dose of schadenfreude, well, that's just tickety-boo.

Anyhoo, it got me thinking about how to avoid such a scenario in future. The answer, I'm sure you will agree, is skate-mounted anti-dog lasers. Simple and also elegant. How hard can it be?

idea-a-day

Ooh! My Bluetooth Parrot idea is idea of the day at www.idea-a-day.com. How inspiring. As I am basically a frustrated inventor I have literally several notebooks full of ideas, ranging from the quite good to the crackpot. From now on, I hope to put at least one invention a week up on the blog, for your amusement. Oh, and a big "Hi There!" to any new readers who might have come here from engadget or cult of mac or wherever. My stats have bloomed nicely (I haven't even bothered to check them for ages) so I had better keep up the momentum...

Norwegian Bluetooth

I have a problem with Bluetooth headsets, in that the wearer either looks like a prat, or if it is particularly discreet, comes across like a schizophrenic talking to God. However, given that I have no particular desire to irradiate my brain with microwaves for prolonged periods, I have been thinking long and hard about a possible solution, and by Jove, I think I have it!

The obvious and elegant solution is a Bluetooth-enabled parrot which would perch on your shoulder, pirate-style. Not only would this lend you a certain rakish air on the Number 73 bus, it would make it entirely clear to fellow passengers and the man in the street that you are perfectly sane and merely engaged in a conversation with a friend. Given that it is almost impossible to wear a Bluetooth headset without looking like a tit, one may as well go the whole hog and give people a laugh into the bargain.

This invention would also solve the problem of annoying your fellow passengers quite so much. Researchers (well, Jakob Nielsen) have found that the most irritating thing about overheard mobile phone conversations is that they can only hear one half of the conversation. By simply using a concealed loudspeaker in said parrot, mental irritation of your fellows would be significantly reduced. Perhaps there could be an option to have your caller's voice broadcast in either their natural voice or in a comedy parrot voice? The opportunities are limitless.

Now, I've googled this idea, and nobody seems to have built one yet. Granted, there are Bluetooth handsfree car kits which are called Parrot, but do they look like a parrot? They do not. This is clearly a gap in the market and a significant opportunity for first mover advantage. All I need is some investment money to build the first prototypes. Anyone care to chip in?

iStab

What with the spate of rumours about iPod muggings and then the story of the guy (Phil Leif) who fended off an assailant with his iPod mini, it is surely only a matter of time before some enterprising peripheral manufacturer takes this to the logical conclusion and comes up with a 3rd party personal defence attachment for the iPod mini. Such as, oh, iStab:

iStab features a USB 2.0 dagger blade for quick, hassle-free bloodletting and comes in five subtle metallic colours so you don't have to worry about it clashing with your mini. Attaching it is a breeze - simply slot iStab into the USB port on the base of your iPod mini and you are good to go! Best of all, iStab doesn't require any power so you should still get a good eight hours of juice. The blade is finest aircraft-grade titanium and won't rust or discolour, no matter how many worthless scumbags you have to fend off.

iStab is just $20 from all good mac vendors, a small price to pay for peace of mind. Due to overwhelming demand, iStab is currently only available in the US. The worldwide launch is expected to happen some time in July.

Thumbscrew V. Quintuplets

"bacillus baltic kennecott downgrade amaranth both betony meltdown dusseldorf pottery soap shrank algorithmic biennial dynastic tacitus ore include omniscient ain't us turnkey animosity aquarium kaiser surcease view lucas thud bode accelerate deacon bred powerhouse lexicography chantilly davy derbyshire autograph forage heaven palmyra emeriti aurora centenary package debussy altruism anglophobia hormone bayou who'll floorboard precipitous crease child sock brevet sunbeam aversion alderman mortify tunisia eduardo actress crewmen champlain sandia slice aerate taste affront deadwood additional downs april armonk garble mukden mercy bus postposition sad swage hornblower plenipotentiary repentant wrathful ascribe decree sword budgetary pilgrimage jet bufflehead efflorescent solvate bosom crossroad rampart shriek intestinal parasol axisymmetric brain controlling ebullient speck avocado puny behave cutover avoidance arch clomp accessible burton sledgehammer bleak liberty maritime north spokesmen amply carmine contravention fernando thompson urbana comatose calypso calhoun differentiable rabat brain eighty steele rejuvenate blight rhombic clinic atonal colorate doughnut feast doorway betatron hydrous cave capacitate catalytic term ashen similitude crowfoot indochinese posthumous ectopic carcinogenic beechwood blockade redshank beyond antedate phosphide interrogate genital appanage aba astrophysics dempsey venison steamboat accredit postlude frustum yaqui urgent eclogue jetliner dinnertime impersonate prevent affect denude phobic avogadro anomie sickroom bushel stint idempotent afield embrittle allyl blink orchestra gerund cutover byway torrent inward swanky prescriptive brigham"

Shocking though it is, I am almost starting to enjoy receiving spam, what with the wonderful names and the pseudo-random word strings (presumably for spoofing Bayesian filters, er, or something). I can feel my vocabularly expanding ebulliently with an almost plenipotentiary efflorescence. (I wonder what a bufflehead is?)

Someone should really write a novel in which all the characters have spam names. I expect Dave Eggers is already working on it.